Merchant Bankers

Can I just say – I like HSBC Premier. I’ve never liked banks before, and regarded them as something akin to the Devil incarnate, but yesterday, they shone, going above and beyond the call of duty. And what have they done to increase my estimation? Kept the branch open! I should have transferred the money for the remain deposit yesterday – but due to an almightily cockup, known as a limit on domestic money transfers, it failed. Cue instant panic today – thankfully rectified, when after an anguished phone call to Premier Central, we worked out that the only option is for me to get a bank cheque, and for them to keep the bank open until I could get there at 5. Which they did – and good on them! But a curse on this silly system of banks shutting at 4pm – it’s like going back to the arc!

The pain of paint

Today I walked down to Kensington, and went into the local friendly campus DIY shop. And in turn I nearly died of shock when I saw... the price of paint! Or, as it is now called, the pain of paint. Think UK... think about 10 quid for a tin of ceiling paint. 15 quid if you're really splashing out. Not in Oz... Think about 60 to 70 dollars for 2 litres of the stuff, well over 100 if you want a decent 6 litre tin!

Thankfully they had one tin on "special" which I nabbed at 40$.

I actually went in looking for door bolts, but they don't have any normal ones either. Apparently - and I kid you not - they are illegal. That's why you only get small flimsy ones that the fire brigade can break if they fancy a quick smash and grab job on your house. The nice sold Victorian ones I'm after have to be... flown in from the UK. I'm putting in an order online. IT's either that or ones that will bend in a stiff breeze.

God mews however... I've found some wonderful stuff that is designed for... repairing interior weatherboard suffering from dry rot! It’s curious - and curiously expensive - filler. A huge pot of turpentine and a long extension lead (for fridge) topped off today's purchases. Ah, I know how to live.

Sterling’s taking a pounding

Only now do I know the pain of going long on a currency at a 25 year AUD low with a hard option & needed to unravel. Ouch.

Here is any easy way to lose money: transfer cash from one side of the world to the other, when the currency you want is at a 25 year high, and the one you’ve got is down among the boondocks, kicking it’s metaphorical heels in the gutter. Yes, you’ve guessed it – I’ve transferred a whole heap of money from the UK to Australia, at $1.63 to one GBP. Great if you’re an Aussie backpacker off to see London: downright suicidal if you’re trying to buy a house in Oz. Just last week it was at 1.75, and I’m now kicking myself for not moving over the cash then. More than kicking myself infact: the basic mistake of hoping the pound would go higher has seen me sitting on the wrong hedge, and then some. It’s cost me 4 grand, just waiting for a week. Aghghgh

A Thousand Splendid Sums

Finally, the mortgage company give the go ahead. They have, much to my surprise, and I suspect theirs, revised their decision and agree that not much work needs to be done on the house to make it habitable... yes, really!

Leak House

Ah. So not only have I proved, in trying to buy the hovel, that the building inspectors have no clue about how to look at a building, and pest inspectors appear to make it up on the spot, so too do the mortgage company. The builders have gone in, and quoted a grand total of $1150 to do all the work needed. It’s better than a slap on the face with a blunt fish.

The Sale of Two Cities

The Valuation comes in on the nose, of exactly – to the penny – what our offer has been accepted at. However, woe is me when it comes to the best and building. According to the mortgage company we need at least AU$100,000k to proceed, and a full schedule of works, to rebuild the place. The chance of buying the old farm house is vanishingly small. I’ve called up a bunch of builders to give me quotes. It’s not the despair I can’t stand, in trying to buy this place – it’s the hope! Mind you, with this bank, I feel like I’m barking into the wind.

A tale of two pits

I have the building & pest report – and it’s like the tale of two buildings. Totally separate buildings that only happen to be remotely on the same continent. I mean, just look at this. Compare and contrast, if you will, the difference between the report I’ve paid for, and the one the previous purchaser paid for:

Roof:

Report1: The Roof is in a very poor state of repair, and will likely need total replacement, including that of the supporting beams.

Report2: There are no obvious leaks, and the roof appears sound.

Walls:

Report1: The walls are made of timber, which is likely to be much more solid than that of modern buildings. There is no obvious termite damage or rot.

Report2: Severe dry rot is apparent in all the walls, and much of the weatherboarding needs replacement. The underlying structure may also need total reconstruction.

Kitchen:

Report 1: The kitchen is very old, and will require much work to bring it up to a modern standard. The stove appears to be on an extension lead, suggesting the building requires total rewiring.

Report 2: The kitchen has recently been renovated, and presents few issues.

Conclusion:

Report1: It is difficult to recommend this building as being mortgageable

Report2: Considerable costs may be incurred in making this building habitable, due to the heritage listing.

It’s the same for the pest. One report says there’s highly likely to be a major infestation, and discusses if any of the timber can be saved (unlikely). The other says that it couldn’t find any termites.

Now, I know the place is a bit of a pit, but the least you’d expect is that the inspectors would have a clue.

The moral of the story is: don’t bother getting a pest or building report: neither of them are worth the money, and quite frankly a building report is about as much use as a chocolate teapot.